There was a time when there was no Internet. When I was in school, having a computer was a big deal. Luckily, my grandfather found his retirement past time in computers and I was very close to him. So I got access to Commodore 64 when I was probably in Grade 2. Getting to it so early in my life pretty much defines who I am today. I think I would have been a different person altogether if it weren't for that early exposure to computers.
As we as a society graduated from larger and slower computers to smaller and faster computers, continuing with the Internet revolution of the 90's and as we now stand in 2013, I think its pretty unimaginable now to think of life without a computer and let me generalize it a bit and say technology. We can't live without technology anymore, we are simply too dependent.
Imagine time away from everything and not having your smart phone or tablet with you or not being connected via Internet. While the world and the distances between people still remain, physically and emotionally, we as a society have been now wired to being connected all the time via the Internet.
I mean, I remember the first few years on the Internet for me when connecting was a conscious task. Dialing in using a modem, putting in a password for dial-up networking, the noisy modem sound, indicating that I am now connecting to the world wide web. The mind would change state slowly with the sounds of the modem connecting from being in a much more solitary, secluded version of the world with physical connections only to almost a "wow" state of mind, in awe, virtually connected to everybody else, in the whole world. WOW!
Not anymore. Now with Wi-fi, 3G and what not that follows as technology develops, there is no conscious state of connecting anymore. It is assumed that we are always connected, always wired in. Always on.
I am not sure if it is good or bad but the natural reaction and flavor of this blog post is negative. All this should be unhealthy. We shouldn't be always connected, always on. It doesn't sound natural. But then, what is natural? We do something for too long, the next generation inherits it and the one after calls it "natural". For example, working on a computer is natural now and not having a computer in the house is unnatural for today's generation. I can assure you this wasn't the case when I was growing up and if we ask our fathers and grandfathers, they will tell you a completely different picture of the world.
So maybe I observe this because I can see the change happening and being Always On, Always Connected as a threat to the quality of life that we want to live. Tomorrow, as our children grow up and the next generation comes in, this would be the way of life and not being online, connected or "on" all the time would be a threat to the quality of life.
How society develops. We are an amazing race, look where we have come to now and just keep watching how and where we will go to next as a civilization. I observe and I share as I notice something. Only possible because I am too, Always On, Always Connected.
The Weekend Theory
I haven't published a theory for quite some time and though there have been lots in the making, I haven't come around to blog about it in recent times. Well let's change that situation with this blogpost.
By the way, most UTP theories are developed while sitting in the toilet especially in the mornings. The benefit of the iPad mini that I recently bought is that I can record thoughts as they come and then elaborate on them later. I would not disagree that lot of theories get flushed almost literally as well however some break it through.
I present to you a prediction of the future as I see it about weekends, which I not-so-creatively title "The Weekend Theory".
I can see us grow into a society which will have more than just 2 days of the weekend. I know in some places around the world, it is still one day weekends even now but by and large, majority of the world enjoys 2-day weekends currently.
However, my theory states that not too far in the future (maybe by 2025) we will have 3 day weekends and probably in a few more years (maybe by 2050), even 4 day weekends. I will obviously back this up with logic, no matter how illogical it is. A logic is a logic and I am a very logical person.
So I stand by this theory based on 2 supporting points.
Number 1, Automation
With more and more things getting automated, we have moved from doing things manually to using computers and now letting computers do pre-programmed things is quite the norm. My job involves convincing people that even a computer software like MS Excel is a manual situation and you need to graduate to system automation. So already I am helping change the world through more and more automation.
I have a strong feeling that this will develop so well soon that by 2025 approximately, we will simply not require to work 5 days a week. The machines will do it for us. Hence I could see us squeeze through another day into the weekend. First it will be unofficial, some companies will do it but soon it will become the norm. It would be basically managing the automation for the next 25 years and by 2050, this will improve so much that we will just need to manage the automation that manages the automation. This would give us the 4-day weekend with the 3 days being used to just program or rather pre-program and monitor the automation.
Number 2, Burn-Out
The number of hours we work whether we are physically at work or not, is just a big stretch already on us humans. We were not made to do this much work. However, in this day and age of competition, you do more just because you are expected to do more and this is never-ending. The risk is that if you stop working and stretching more, somebody else would and hence we would be left behind. Unless you decide for yourself what the limit is, this situation is pretty limitless. The more you do, the more you are expected to do. This means that we will burn-out eventually in fact I am sure we already do get phases of burn-out even now which leads to us being sick and "needing a vacation" or simply being unproductive on some days. These are clear signs of burn-out.
Anyway, my theory is that eventually, not too far in the future, human rights and labour laws will start protecting us where we simply can't work for more than 4 days a week hence need a longer weekend. Now, I am not sure it will be 3-day continuous weekend or would it be a 2-day weekend with a day off on Tuesday or Wednesday, middle of the week, basically to re-energize but 3 days off in a week will be required. It may also be an alternate day approach where you get Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday off or Monday, Wednesday and Friday off, the latter probably for Muslim countries. Something like that.
Working in UAE, I get Friday and Saturday off. It kind of links to the logic that if I wanted to take a break on a weekday and it could be only for one day, it would be a Sunday as my first choice, Thursday as my second and then Tuesday as my third. Either of Monday or Wednesday would be the 4th choice.
I think eventually the burn-out risk would be so high that we would need the working week to be only 3 days and hence get 4-days off. We will do everything but kill ourselves with possibly longer working hours on the 3 working days but then have 4 days off. Again this would probably work with 2-day weekends and then 2-day mid week breaks or all 4 together though I think the former may be more productive.
So there you have it, my theory about weekends and how they would evolve. In the coming years the material world will become closer to how the natural world runs i.e. automatically. Doesn't matter if it has artificially reached there with machines, systems and automation, it will still be very much on its own with just needing monitoring and pre-programming.
Selective Listening, Selective Reading & Selective Watching
If you haven't heard about "selective listening", sorry for having a miserable life to-date. This is one of the best skills to have to be able to live a life which you choose to live. You are not driven by others, rather you decide, how you want to define "your" life.
Selective listening is basically the ability to decide what you want to listen to. You may "hear" a lot but what you choose to "listen" to is totally in your control. Yes there is a difference between hearing & listening. Sometimes, I just put on my headphones or earphones to indicate, I am not in the listening mode. I may or may not be listening to something. Its just to indicate to people around me that I am not in the listening mode right now. It works like a charm and I think its only polite to indicate your wall & space, instead of somebody just assuming that you are going to listen to them just because they start speaking.
I extend this concept to "selective reading" also. There is enough material out there to read however what you should be able to choose what you want to read. Your interests, your influences, should be driven by what you choose to read rather than what comes in front of your eyes to read. To be able to decide what to read and what not to read, that's "selective reading".
Extending that to "selective watching" is what we should do with television & streaming websites like YouTube. All this intake of information in this age can pretty much mess up your mind if you try to just take what comes to you, in your face. Instead, use this knowledge about selective listening, reading & watching to decide what you want to watch which leads to controlling how you want to live your life.
The various power sources of the world, political, religious, corporate, know how easily our minds tune into information. Hence, they are using these tools, social media, television, radio, etc to be able to control & condition how we think. Influence it in a way that we end up believing them, buying their product, following them or something of the sort.
Its about time, we took back what was ours in the first place, our mind. Think about it, how many times your action was influenced just by reading, watching or listening to somebody. Why should anybody have control of my mind other than myself?
Selective listening is basically the ability to decide what you want to listen to. You may "hear" a lot but what you choose to "listen" to is totally in your control. Yes there is a difference between hearing & listening. Sometimes, I just put on my headphones or earphones to indicate, I am not in the listening mode. I may or may not be listening to something. Its just to indicate to people around me that I am not in the listening mode right now. It works like a charm and I think its only polite to indicate your wall & space, instead of somebody just assuming that you are going to listen to them just because they start speaking.
I extend this concept to "selective reading" also. There is enough material out there to read however what you should be able to choose what you want to read. Your interests, your influences, should be driven by what you choose to read rather than what comes in front of your eyes to read. To be able to decide what to read and what not to read, that's "selective reading".
Extending that to "selective watching" is what we should do with television & streaming websites like YouTube. All this intake of information in this age can pretty much mess up your mind if you try to just take what comes to you, in your face. Instead, use this knowledge about selective listening, reading & watching to decide what you want to watch which leads to controlling how you want to live your life.
The various power sources of the world, political, religious, corporate, know how easily our minds tune into information. Hence, they are using these tools, social media, television, radio, etc to be able to control & condition how we think. Influence it in a way that we end up believing them, buying their product, following them or something of the sort.
Its about time, we took back what was ours in the first place, our mind. Think about it, how many times your action was influenced just by reading, watching or listening to somebody. Why should anybody have control of my mind other than myself?
My Baba - My Hero
So the elder one moves to Grade 3 this year. So as you can see, time is speeding along. I am already referring to her as the elder one, my grown-up young lady, with the younger ones growing at similar pace. By the way, this indirectly also means that, I am growing old.
As her new school year started a few weeks back, she is already realizing that things are getting a bit tougher from all angles. More responsibility expected, tougher things to learn. It is no longer a breeze through day. I think there is a transition from Grade 2 to Grade 3 which is a larger jump than the Grade 1 to Grade 2 one. It also feels a bit more difficult after 3 months of vacation, everything is a bit rusty.
First week end, I get to know that she had her first setback in school life. She was no longer the ms-know-it-all. This time there were things asked to her which she didn't know. That is the whole point of education isn't it, stretch the mind more. But on that day, she was devastated. So much that she didn't want to go to school anymore. Woah!! Hold on lady.
It was my time to shine. It's moments like these I crave for where mayG has done what she could and now needs me to swoop in, jump over buildings, stop a bullet train, deal with a few bad guys in the middle and then ... save the day.
So, I was in the superhero mode. The basics first, get to know the problem. This didn't take long and it was all about mathematics and adding up bigger numbers, carry-sums as they call it. Time for the deep voice which will live with her for times to come. See, this is something I do, whenever there is a learning opportunity, I make my voice a bit deeper which could speak to her at times when she needs it. It's like the "answer" for everything had to come through that voice. Agree or not, we all have one. Unless we hear something in that voice, we are not convinced on doing something.
So after the change of voice, we went through sums and sums, kept it interesting and basically the message of the day was, nothing is rocket science, all it needs is practice and practice. If she wishes to be ms-know-it-all, it wouldn't be possible unless she keeps learning new things and practices to improve. I think she got the message and realized how radical her decision of not going to school was. She is back on track and back focused on the job at hand.
I didn't realize how big this was until this weekend when I found out they had a session at school about "Heroes". The question, "Who is your hero?" While the standard answer for a 7 year old would be some cartoon or action figure, my daughter's answer? Yes folks, it was me. My daughter's hero is her Baba.
What a day? What a cherishable moment? It's the culminating point for everything that I do. The best reward, the perfect expression of gratitude. Now I am not sure if it was the mathematics lesson we had gone through in the first week or was it a general combination of my performance but all I can say is, it was a proud moment for me. It surely means a lot.
We get report cards when we are in school to tell us about her performance in school. How do we know we are being a good parent? Such situations are what could tell you and give you the boost. To do even better next time.
Being a super-hero to my children is not a new concept for me. I do see myself in a superman costume, doing the best as I can for my children, for my wife, for my family.
I am UTP by day and UTP by night, no change. Super-hero 24/7, 365 days of the year. My special power is "Being Baba". Bad guys beware, this Baba means business.
Letter to ECP - Complaint registered for Poll Rigging - Election 2013
I have played my part and registered my complaint at info@ecp.gov.pk. If you also agree, please play your part. You may use the content below, if you want. I am sure if enough messages reach them either via email or any other mechanism, manual of electronic, they will take notice. Let's play our part and leave the rest to them to play their role. Allah Tawakkul!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sir,
I have seen enough videos coming from all constituencies in Karachi showing pre-poll and post-poll rigging and high chance of irregularities which should mark the results null and void.
I am concerned that my vote and of many other Karachites has been misused or compromised. The party coming out strongly in any Karachi constituency as per indicators on media, does not have the "people's mandate" as the results would incorrectly indicate, which defeats the purpose of a free and fair election, impacting the democratic process. While I am not an expert in the area but this should be a violation of the constitution and code of conduct as well, you may decide best.
I am sure you would have seen these videos also going viral in the social media. If not, I would be happy to direct these to your attention.
Take for example, a particular party's candidate won 170,000 votes from a constituency. If we do the math, this means that in the 10 hours of voting (assuming if this happened, as you know, it didn't), there were 10x60, 600 minutes available. Assuming robots were processing votes, 283 votes per minute were casted meaning more than 4 votes per second were casted.
I don't think this is humanly possible and last I heard, the ECP did not hire robots for election duty. My own experience was standing in queue for at least 3 hours and the process of validating my identity being pretty non-electronic, took at least 5 minutes to cast one. This is the best case scenario.
Appreciate if notice is taken and elections are re-conducted in Karachi with all polling stations marked sensitive and Army involved in the end to end process with physical presence overlooking each step. This is the only way to get a free and fair election in Karachi which holds 20 important seats in National Assembly and 42 in the Provincial Assembly which could have a big political impact in the final outcome of the election and hence formation of government.
For now, my concern is on Karachi as my vote was conducted there. However, we have seen pre-poll and post-poll rigging videos coming from other places in Sindh as well as from Punjab. We would request for attention in those constituencies as well so the outcome of this important event which is the main responsibility of the ECP at the moment, is a clear and fair representation of the people of Pakistan.
This would be really considerate of you and probably the most appropriate decision from your side. Thanks for your time and consideration.
Regards
Umar Pirzada
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sir,
I have seen enough videos coming from all constituencies in Karachi showing pre-poll and post-poll rigging and high chance of irregularities which should mark the results null and void.
I am concerned that my vote and of many other Karachites has been misused or compromised. The party coming out strongly in any Karachi constituency as per indicators on media, does not have the "people's mandate" as the results would incorrectly indicate, which defeats the purpose of a free and fair election, impacting the democratic process. While I am not an expert in the area but this should be a violation of the constitution and code of conduct as well, you may decide best.
I am sure you would have seen these videos also going viral in the social media. If not, I would be happy to direct these to your attention.
Take for example, a particular party's candidate won 170,000 votes from a constituency. If we do the math, this means that in the 10 hours of voting (assuming if this happened, as you know, it didn't), there were 10x60, 600 minutes available. Assuming robots were processing votes, 283 votes per minute were casted meaning more than 4 votes per second were casted.
I don't think this is humanly possible and last I heard, the ECP did not hire robots for election duty. My own experience was standing in queue for at least 3 hours and the process of validating my identity being pretty non-electronic, took at least 5 minutes to cast one. This is the best case scenario.
Appreciate if notice is taken and elections are re-conducted in Karachi with all polling stations marked sensitive and Army involved in the end to end process with physical presence overlooking each step. This is the only way to get a free and fair election in Karachi which holds 20 important seats in National Assembly and 42 in the Provincial Assembly which could have a big political impact in the final outcome of the election and hence formation of government.
For now, my concern is on Karachi as my vote was conducted there. However, we have seen pre-poll and post-poll rigging videos coming from other places in Sindh as well as from Punjab. We would request for attention in those constituencies as well so the outcome of this important event which is the main responsibility of the ECP at the moment, is a clear and fair representation of the people of Pakistan.
This would be really considerate of you and probably the most appropriate decision from your side. Thanks for your time and consideration.
Regards
Umar Pirzada
Pakistan - A Dawn of a New Era - Election 2013
What I am seeing today is something I have never seen before and to be honest, I had never expected to see in my life. The status quo has been shaken. The empire of the corrupt will fall. It took a long time coming but it has finally arrived. The people of Pakistan have awoken. We are unstoppable now.
"The truth will set you free", was something I heard in some movie. It was nothing more than a movie dialogue until today. As I see the corrupt leadership of "status quo" stand confused on how to manage this new age phenomenon. All their poll rigging, terrorism of their militant wings, revealed through social media, TV, everything out into the open. People finding power and more power, becoming fearless, as they stand together. They realize, they are not alone anymore. A mere few 100 people can't control the masses on the basis of terror. Enough videos, messages getting shared online, on how the common man and woman of Pakistan has stood up to injustice and giving it back into their faces.
The Pillars of Status Quo are shaking and are about to fall. A dawn of a new era, a Naya (new) Pakistan is about to emerge where a true democratic choice of government will be created.
I can't help but quote an excerpt from, one of Faiz's most inspiring piece of work, which before now was nothing more than a sip of inspiration whenever needed and I never expected it to become a reality at least for me. The hope of a new dawn, and then living to strive for that day when all good comes to power and all evil is defeated. The eventual win for good over evil.
Jab Zulm-o-Sitam ke Koh-e-garaan,
Ruii ki Tarah Urrh Jain Gay,
Hum Mehkumoon ke Paun Talay,
Yeh Dharti Dhare Dharr dharrkay gi,
Aur Ehl-e-Hukum ke Sar ooper,
Jab Bijli karr Karr karr gi,
Hum dekhein Gay!!
Translated,
When the mountains of cruelty and torture
Will fly like pieces of cotton
Under the feet of the governed
This earth will quake
And over the head of the ruler
When lightening will thunder
We shall see
Complete nazm (poetry) with English translation at this link.
Faiz's dream comes true!! I never thought I would see this in my life what I am seeing today!! Power to the People, more Power to the combined voice and it has proven that when it comes together, no one can stop it.
While obviously, I am hoping we get a new honest leadership through Imran Khan, I would not be completely lost even if he doesn't get a winning majority. The thing to be proud of today is how the nation has come together to vote. I am still very happy of how the nation has stood in front of the known traditional powers who have ruled for many years through terror which is built from corruption that they did while being in power. The vicious cycle of terror to power to corruption to terror may have been broken.
Proud of my country-mates of Pakistan. Proud to be a Pakistani. At the peak of patriotism today. My heart is pounding so hard with pride since I woke up this morning, at how powerful we have shown we can be, when we want to be. Let the fire remain alive in our hearts and let's take our country into the future and make it one that is respected, valued and seen with honor and dignity across the globe.
If we don't take that responsibility, then who else?
"The truth will set you free", was something I heard in some movie. It was nothing more than a movie dialogue until today. As I see the corrupt leadership of "status quo" stand confused on how to manage this new age phenomenon. All their poll rigging, terrorism of their militant wings, revealed through social media, TV, everything out into the open. People finding power and more power, becoming fearless, as they stand together. They realize, they are not alone anymore. A mere few 100 people can't control the masses on the basis of terror. Enough videos, messages getting shared online, on how the common man and woman of Pakistan has stood up to injustice and giving it back into their faces.
The Pillars of Status Quo are shaking and are about to fall. A dawn of a new era, a Naya (new) Pakistan is about to emerge where a true democratic choice of government will be created.
I can't help but quote an excerpt from, one of Faiz's most inspiring piece of work, which before now was nothing more than a sip of inspiration whenever needed and I never expected it to become a reality at least for me. The hope of a new dawn, and then living to strive for that day when all good comes to power and all evil is defeated. The eventual win for good over evil.
Jab Zulm-o-Sitam ke Koh-e-garaan,
Ruii ki Tarah Urrh Jain Gay,
Hum Mehkumoon ke Paun Talay,
Yeh Dharti Dhare Dharr dharrkay gi,
Aur Ehl-e-Hukum ke Sar ooper,
Jab Bijli karr Karr karr gi,
Hum dekhein Gay!!
Translated,
When the mountains of cruelty and torture
Will fly like pieces of cotton
Under the feet of the governed
This earth will quake
And over the head of the ruler
When lightening will thunder
We shall see
Complete nazm (poetry) with English translation at this link.
Faiz's dream comes true!! I never thought I would see this in my life what I am seeing today!! Power to the People, more Power to the combined voice and it has proven that when it comes together, no one can stop it.
While obviously, I am hoping we get a new honest leadership through Imran Khan, I would not be completely lost even if he doesn't get a winning majority. The thing to be proud of today is how the nation has come together to vote. I am still very happy of how the nation has stood in front of the known traditional powers who have ruled for many years through terror which is built from corruption that they did while being in power. The vicious cycle of terror to power to corruption to terror may have been broken.
Proud of my country-mates of Pakistan. Proud to be a Pakistani. At the peak of patriotism today. My heart is pounding so hard with pride since I woke up this morning, at how powerful we have shown we can be, when we want to be. Let the fire remain alive in our hearts and let's take our country into the future and make it one that is respected, valued and seen with honor and dignity across the globe.
If we don't take that responsibility, then who else?
Naya Pakistan - A Father's Letter to his Children
Dear Mahnoor, Mehr & Ibrahim,
Many years from now, you may see this blogpost and be proud of me, your Baba. It's May 2013. 1 more day to go for the biggest and probably the most important election of Pakistan's history. At this key turning point in history, where our beloved country couldn't be in a worse state, economically, politically and financially, I pledge to play my part to give you what I didn't have when I was growing up. A clean, corruption-free, safe and progressive country to be proud of. I pledge to contribute to it's history by casting my vote to bring change. A change for a better, newer and improved Pakistan. A country which you too are proud of when you grow up and live to make it even better.
I didn't do anything to improve it for myself. But I am going to do what I can to make it better for you. I could have just watched and talked the talk. I could have done nothing more than sitting in front of the TV and cheered. I could have saved the trouble and money and stayed at our home away from home instead of going back to our homeland to register my choice. However, I didn't. I walked the talk. I not only convinced myself to go back to our homeland and vote but convinced others who were just waiting to be checked upon.
My children, never forget your roots. Wherever you go in this world, there is one place which will always welcome you with open arms and that is your country, your Pakistan. Never forget, never abandon, never lose hope. I know I did. I shouldn't have lost hope, but I did. Maybe it was the best choice at the time that I could do for you, for me, for us. However, I never abandoned it. You can take the Pakistani out of the Pakistan but you can't take the Pakistan out of the Pakistani.
When you grow up, and you realize you have lost inspiration, find it through this blogpost. Find patriotism, if you forget who you are. Most importantly, be proud of your Baba. I did the best I could, for you. All my decisions drive around what is best for you and your future. A small drop in the ocean of change however, I wouldn't regret that I didn't play my part. So remember this.
My vote for change. My vote for righteousness. My vote for truth. My vote for dignity. My vote for sovereignty of our nation. My vote for economic progress. My vote for social equality. My vote for pride. My vote for my country. My vote for your future. My vote... My... vote. My voice, the expression of my individuality, My Promise.
My vote for Naya Pakistan. Inshallah, Naya Pakistan.
With all my love, your Baba,
Umar Pirzada
10th May 2013
Many years from now, you may see this blogpost and be proud of me, your Baba. It's May 2013. 1 more day to go for the biggest and probably the most important election of Pakistan's history. At this key turning point in history, where our beloved country couldn't be in a worse state, economically, politically and financially, I pledge to play my part to give you what I didn't have when I was growing up. A clean, corruption-free, safe and progressive country to be proud of. I pledge to contribute to it's history by casting my vote to bring change. A change for a better, newer and improved Pakistan. A country which you too are proud of when you grow up and live to make it even better.
I didn't do anything to improve it for myself. But I am going to do what I can to make it better for you. I could have just watched and talked the talk. I could have done nothing more than sitting in front of the TV and cheered. I could have saved the trouble and money and stayed at our home away from home instead of going back to our homeland to register my choice. However, I didn't. I walked the talk. I not only convinced myself to go back to our homeland and vote but convinced others who were just waiting to be checked upon.
My children, never forget your roots. Wherever you go in this world, there is one place which will always welcome you with open arms and that is your country, your Pakistan. Never forget, never abandon, never lose hope. I know I did. I shouldn't have lost hope, but I did. Maybe it was the best choice at the time that I could do for you, for me, for us. However, I never abandoned it. You can take the Pakistani out of the Pakistan but you can't take the Pakistan out of the Pakistani.
When you grow up, and you realize you have lost inspiration, find it through this blogpost. Find patriotism, if you forget who you are. Most importantly, be proud of your Baba. I did the best I could, for you. All my decisions drive around what is best for you and your future. A small drop in the ocean of change however, I wouldn't regret that I didn't play my part. So remember this.
My vote for change. My vote for righteousness. My vote for truth. My vote for dignity. My vote for sovereignty of our nation. My vote for economic progress. My vote for social equality. My vote for pride. My vote for my country. My vote for your future. My vote... My... vote. My voice, the expression of my individuality, My Promise.
My vote for Naya Pakistan. Inshallah, Naya Pakistan.
With all my love, your Baba,
Umar Pirzada
10th May 2013
A Father & Son Relationship
I was blessed with a son in Oct'12. While already being a father to 2 daughters is an experience in itself, I realized being father to a son was different. Yes it was the same baby-upbringing and my wife does all of the normal baby-raising stuff that I stay away from usually, there was more to it on the psychological front. I just couldn't figure out what. Usually writing helps me think through such situations and so I thought in the process of writing a blog around it, I should be able to figure this out and maybe do a better job at it.
Usually, all psychological influences on people are linked to their own lives, to their own past. So I will start with evaluating myself. I am the eldest of my siblings and with a sister and brother that followed after me, I am the eldest "son" as well. I come from a Sindhi background and a culture where sons hold some sort of link to pride and dignity to the family name. There was a time when there were no celebrations if a girl was born to someone and the other extreme of celebrations when a son was born. So while I know I don’t support the theory, am I in denial? The deep-rooted upbringing that runs in my blood may be defining what kind of a father I am going to be. I asked myself this, and while trying to find some neutrality, I thought through my approach to life as a father to daughters, I looked through my older posts, specially the "Being Baba" category. I realized that this is not true at all. I have never been someone who wanted to have as many kids as possible just so I could have a son. Yes, I know people who have done this. I love my daughters no different than my son. Wait, that is a bit of jumping to conclusions, isn't it? Do I really?
Parking that thought there. Let me see what kind of a relationship I had with my dad, my Baba Saeein. Hmmm...
My Baba was in the navy, the commercial and not the military kind, for his life. The years when I was growing up, he was available in thought, in weekly or fortnightly or sometimes monthly phone calls for 6 months and then available in person for 2 full months. Obviously, no Facebook, email, Skype etc. at the time. This kind of life is what both of us, Baba and I, lived for the majority of our lives. Would this have had an impact on me, psychologically? This is not about whether this was right or wrong. Everybody earns their livelihood in different ways. This is what Allah had in plans for him and for me. This is more about, whether or not this impacted me psychologically and will it change how I will deal with fatherhood, being father to a son. So, in his absence, the day-to-day issues as a child were resolved with a more motherly solution, a more womanly approach. Did this make me less of a man? Did it make me more vulnerable? Would I be a different person if I had more of my Baba around then I had in my childhood? I think I probably would. But, what I am now is not bad either. A good mix.
Trying to look at the picture from the other side, my Baba must have had a difficult situation also. The only way he could have taken care of all of us was to be away from us, earn his livelihood. Yet, the non-tangible stuff, those can't be brought back. The physical hugs, forms of affection, the father-son talks, moments of joy and sorrow, lectures when coming home from the school fights, the lessons were missing. Peaks and troughs with the troughs lasting for 6 months and peaks of 2 months defined the father & son relationship in my life. For the 2 months, he was here, other than relaxing to be ready for the next 6 months of time away from home, he would have had to spend that extra effort to cash in on the time he had available to spend with his wife, his children, his parents etc. What a life? I don’t think I would choose such a life like my Baba. If given the choice, Not sure if he would chose it again as well. Life has a way of hitting people; decisions that follow define the life ahead.
We see western Hollywood movies and they talk about father/son fishing trips defining the time away from everybody else to be able to define the link between a mentor and a mentee, teacher and student, a leader and follower, a guide for the lost. I remember when I was in my early teens; my Baba did make an attempt on something similar. It wasn't fishing. It was the movies. I think he may have realized that I am not getting my access to some manly movies. I may be stuck in my video games, or books. Television was also very "Drama-Oriented". I should see a movie that only a man would enjoy. On a weekend, he said, let's go, we are going to do something special today. While I was asked to leave my Sega on the side, something I used to wait for all the week to get to, and get ready and go out. I hated going out from the very beginning. I am more of a homey person, the stay home kind. Do things at home. So, this was out of nowhere and my first reaction wasn't "really" excited. But anyway, during the car drive, I was curious and kept asking, where are we going? He wanted to keep the surprise hence didn't give in. However, the traffic was too much and the kid (me) was nagging relentlessly so he gave in. We are going to watch a movie on the big screen, Cinema! I think if it was any other kid in the world, he would have been thrilled. Unfortunately, I wasn't that kid. I actually felt deprived of my "Sega" weekend. I asked him, what movie? He said, "Empire Strikes Back". Now again, any other kid especially if he were a boy, should have been head over heels. The name says "Macho Man", all the way. Violence, fire, guns etc. Not me. I was trying to recall what my actual reaction was but I know it was bad enough to make my Baba turn the car around and go back home. Obviously, I think of it now and realize, how heart-broken he would have been. I am truly apologetic now in realization, but it doesn't matter. The moment was lost and stays lost. It never came again.
While, what's done is done, "I was a child, give me a break" is one approach I could take to what happened. I think about it and realize, that things were never the same after that. My Baba didn't really try as hard as he, or for that matter I also, would have liked, letting me be as I was and letting things remain as they were. He may have realized that I have crossed over to the other side. I have already become who I am supposed to be. My Dad may have realized that he is going to be a proud father of a geek, who likes to stay home, play video games, hit the books, the nerd.... basically a sissy. Our relationship may have become more distant than a 6-month trough in our physical nearness even when he was here for the 2 months. We may have changed statuses from a potential-to-be-close Father & Son to a more happy-to-be-distant Father & Son.
This post has gone sad, I am not sure if I will continue publishing this. Let me at least finish the thought though and decide at the end.
Obviously, things changed when he retired from the navy. He was no longer away for 6 months. He was there all day, available, accessible. However, I had grown up. He had grown older. However, he had to still support the family. I was still not done with my studies hence not quite ready to support the family. These were some tense times. He, stretching himself more than he had thought he would need to at that age of his life. Me, still figuring out how to deal with this Father & Son relationship while all this being very different from the first 18 years of my life. I am sure he was going through the same; it couldn't be the peaks and troughs anymore. It had to find its way towards more consistency, a straighter graph. None of us were used to this. I don't know about him, but for me, I can remember only this that it was probably the most difficult phase of my life.
Eventually with differences and arguments taking the forefront, we did eventually figure a way out of this. Obviously, regardless of what type of a Father & Son relationship it was, it was still a Father & Son relationship. I know we both wanted to make it work and hence we eventually did. I think we both realized that we have to make this work for all of us, everybody around us. Obviously, the trouble was, I was hitting the early grown-man age. That comes with its confused situations. Crossing over to the other side. There were just too many things happening in my life for my comfort, too many changes and I don't think I quite did it right. Looking back, I would have dealt with things very differently than how I did. Some regrets, mostly life lessons.
As I see it now, we had to artificially create the physical distances that we had been used to. My relationship with Baba right now is probably the best it has ever been. I am married with kids, living away from my parents in a different country altogether. We visit occasionally, twice a year. The irony of it, this is very similar to how Baba used to visit us when I was young. Is this the secret? Is it true, that the only way we could make this work was to go back to how life was in the wonder years for me? This is something for me to really think about. We had to re-create that same environment we had to be able to make this work or... maybe I just grew up. I learnt to deal with and build probably one of the most important relationship that a guy needs, the one with his dad.
I don't regret any of this. It is just the kind of life I was destined to have; I have a lot of good things in me because of how things happened. I think I grew up much quicker mentally than physically in the wonder years. I think I took more responsibility much earlier than others but I guess everybody feels that one way or another. Whatever happens to you in life makes you who you are. It was supposed to turn out exactly this way. I couldn't be thankful enough for the life I have now. No complaints whatsoever. So whatever happened in the past, had to happen. I had to go through the tough times to be who I am today.
As I look at myself now in my Baba's shoes now. A son of my own to bring up. Bring up in the way I want. I would have to be careful. I would have to be responsible. Depending on my actions, he could turn out to be completely different, something that I may not like too much. I can't give up anywhere along the way. So what, maybe he does not want to spend time with me at a particular time of his life. That doesn't mean I stop trying. Only when he grows up and realizes what he missed out, like I do now at times, would he regret and I don’t want him to regret. I don’t want me to regret.
Every dad wants to be the best dad to his children. In that pursuit, they try their best and that’s all that should be expected of them. Nothing more, nothing less. Every dad also wants their children to be the best children in the world. However, while they have complete control on their own potential, they don’t have that kind of control on their children's potential. All they could do is, try. Try to nourish it, try to be around, try to be accessible. I will be the best dad I could be and leave the rest to Allah. The only thing I don't want to have when I grow old is regret. Regret at old age is a killer. More dangerous than any old-age disease. There is no turning back the clock once the time passes. The only thing that remains is the regret. I fear that.
Here is to a great father and son relationship to all fathers and sons of the world. Cheers!!
Usually, all psychological influences on people are linked to their own lives, to their own past. So I will start with evaluating myself. I am the eldest of my siblings and with a sister and brother that followed after me, I am the eldest "son" as well. I come from a Sindhi background and a culture where sons hold some sort of link to pride and dignity to the family name. There was a time when there were no celebrations if a girl was born to someone and the other extreme of celebrations when a son was born. So while I know I don’t support the theory, am I in denial? The deep-rooted upbringing that runs in my blood may be defining what kind of a father I am going to be. I asked myself this, and while trying to find some neutrality, I thought through my approach to life as a father to daughters, I looked through my older posts, specially the "Being Baba" category. I realized that this is not true at all. I have never been someone who wanted to have as many kids as possible just so I could have a son. Yes, I know people who have done this. I love my daughters no different than my son. Wait, that is a bit of jumping to conclusions, isn't it? Do I really?
Parking that thought there. Let me see what kind of a relationship I had with my dad, my Baba Saeein. Hmmm...
My Baba was in the navy, the commercial and not the military kind, for his life. The years when I was growing up, he was available in thought, in weekly or fortnightly or sometimes monthly phone calls for 6 months and then available in person for 2 full months. Obviously, no Facebook, email, Skype etc. at the time. This kind of life is what both of us, Baba and I, lived for the majority of our lives. Would this have had an impact on me, psychologically? This is not about whether this was right or wrong. Everybody earns their livelihood in different ways. This is what Allah had in plans for him and for me. This is more about, whether or not this impacted me psychologically and will it change how I will deal with fatherhood, being father to a son. So, in his absence, the day-to-day issues as a child were resolved with a more motherly solution, a more womanly approach. Did this make me less of a man? Did it make me more vulnerable? Would I be a different person if I had more of my Baba around then I had in my childhood? I think I probably would. But, what I am now is not bad either. A good mix.
Trying to look at the picture from the other side, my Baba must have had a difficult situation also. The only way he could have taken care of all of us was to be away from us, earn his livelihood. Yet, the non-tangible stuff, those can't be brought back. The physical hugs, forms of affection, the father-son talks, moments of joy and sorrow, lectures when coming home from the school fights, the lessons were missing. Peaks and troughs with the troughs lasting for 6 months and peaks of 2 months defined the father & son relationship in my life. For the 2 months, he was here, other than relaxing to be ready for the next 6 months of time away from home, he would have had to spend that extra effort to cash in on the time he had available to spend with his wife, his children, his parents etc. What a life? I don’t think I would choose such a life like my Baba. If given the choice, Not sure if he would chose it again as well. Life has a way of hitting people; decisions that follow define the life ahead.
We see western Hollywood movies and they talk about father/son fishing trips defining the time away from everybody else to be able to define the link between a mentor and a mentee, teacher and student, a leader and follower, a guide for the lost. I remember when I was in my early teens; my Baba did make an attempt on something similar. It wasn't fishing. It was the movies. I think he may have realized that I am not getting my access to some manly movies. I may be stuck in my video games, or books. Television was also very "Drama-Oriented". I should see a movie that only a man would enjoy. On a weekend, he said, let's go, we are going to do something special today. While I was asked to leave my Sega on the side, something I used to wait for all the week to get to, and get ready and go out. I hated going out from the very beginning. I am more of a homey person, the stay home kind. Do things at home. So, this was out of nowhere and my first reaction wasn't "really" excited. But anyway, during the car drive, I was curious and kept asking, where are we going? He wanted to keep the surprise hence didn't give in. However, the traffic was too much and the kid (me) was nagging relentlessly so he gave in. We are going to watch a movie on the big screen, Cinema! I think if it was any other kid in the world, he would have been thrilled. Unfortunately, I wasn't that kid. I actually felt deprived of my "Sega" weekend. I asked him, what movie? He said, "Empire Strikes Back". Now again, any other kid especially if he were a boy, should have been head over heels. The name says "Macho Man", all the way. Violence, fire, guns etc. Not me. I was trying to recall what my actual reaction was but I know it was bad enough to make my Baba turn the car around and go back home. Obviously, I think of it now and realize, how heart-broken he would have been. I am truly apologetic now in realization, but it doesn't matter. The moment was lost and stays lost. It never came again.
While, what's done is done, "I was a child, give me a break" is one approach I could take to what happened. I think about it and realize, that things were never the same after that. My Baba didn't really try as hard as he, or for that matter I also, would have liked, letting me be as I was and letting things remain as they were. He may have realized that I have crossed over to the other side. I have already become who I am supposed to be. My Dad may have realized that he is going to be a proud father of a geek, who likes to stay home, play video games, hit the books, the nerd.... basically a sissy. Our relationship may have become more distant than a 6-month trough in our physical nearness even when he was here for the 2 months. We may have changed statuses from a potential-to-be-close Father & Son to a more happy-to-be-distant Father & Son.
This post has gone sad, I am not sure if I will continue publishing this. Let me at least finish the thought though and decide at the end.
Obviously, things changed when he retired from the navy. He was no longer away for 6 months. He was there all day, available, accessible. However, I had grown up. He had grown older. However, he had to still support the family. I was still not done with my studies hence not quite ready to support the family. These were some tense times. He, stretching himself more than he had thought he would need to at that age of his life. Me, still figuring out how to deal with this Father & Son relationship while all this being very different from the first 18 years of my life. I am sure he was going through the same; it couldn't be the peaks and troughs anymore. It had to find its way towards more consistency, a straighter graph. None of us were used to this. I don't know about him, but for me, I can remember only this that it was probably the most difficult phase of my life.
Eventually with differences and arguments taking the forefront, we did eventually figure a way out of this. Obviously, regardless of what type of a Father & Son relationship it was, it was still a Father & Son relationship. I know we both wanted to make it work and hence we eventually did. I think we both realized that we have to make this work for all of us, everybody around us. Obviously, the trouble was, I was hitting the early grown-man age. That comes with its confused situations. Crossing over to the other side. There were just too many things happening in my life for my comfort, too many changes and I don't think I quite did it right. Looking back, I would have dealt with things very differently than how I did. Some regrets, mostly life lessons.
As I see it now, we had to artificially create the physical distances that we had been used to. My relationship with Baba right now is probably the best it has ever been. I am married with kids, living away from my parents in a different country altogether. We visit occasionally, twice a year. The irony of it, this is very similar to how Baba used to visit us when I was young. Is this the secret? Is it true, that the only way we could make this work was to go back to how life was in the wonder years for me? This is something for me to really think about. We had to re-create that same environment we had to be able to make this work or... maybe I just grew up. I learnt to deal with and build probably one of the most important relationship that a guy needs, the one with his dad.
I don't regret any of this. It is just the kind of life I was destined to have; I have a lot of good things in me because of how things happened. I think I grew up much quicker mentally than physically in the wonder years. I think I took more responsibility much earlier than others but I guess everybody feels that one way or another. Whatever happens to you in life makes you who you are. It was supposed to turn out exactly this way. I couldn't be thankful enough for the life I have now. No complaints whatsoever. So whatever happened in the past, had to happen. I had to go through the tough times to be who I am today.
As I look at myself now in my Baba's shoes now. A son of my own to bring up. Bring up in the way I want. I would have to be careful. I would have to be responsible. Depending on my actions, he could turn out to be completely different, something that I may not like too much. I can't give up anywhere along the way. So what, maybe he does not want to spend time with me at a particular time of his life. That doesn't mean I stop trying. Only when he grows up and realizes what he missed out, like I do now at times, would he regret and I don’t want him to regret. I don’t want me to regret.
Every dad wants to be the best dad to his children. In that pursuit, they try their best and that’s all that should be expected of them. Nothing more, nothing less. Every dad also wants their children to be the best children in the world. However, while they have complete control on their own potential, they don’t have that kind of control on their children's potential. All they could do is, try. Try to nourish it, try to be around, try to be accessible. I will be the best dad I could be and leave the rest to Allah. The only thing I don't want to have when I grow old is regret. Regret at old age is a killer. More dangerous than any old-age disease. There is no turning back the clock once the time passes. The only thing that remains is the regret. I fear that.
Here is to a great father and son relationship to all fathers and sons of the world. Cheers!!
Apology - The Easy Way to Do It
Humans have been made with humongous egos. We have a lot of pride in our achievements, high or low. Our identity, whether we like it or not. Apologizing is one of the most unnatural things that we have to force ourselves to do to continue to survive in this society.
Personally speaking, I have still not quite got my act right on how to apologize but I do know what is the easiest way to do it, read this somewhere. The first thing is to set your ego aside, that is the hardest part of the whole exercise. Rest is downhill, piece of cake and gets easier with every next time.
Here are the most precise and concise words to use. You can translate as per your language of speech.
Yes that is right. Simple, straight to the point. A usual follow-up would start a conversation which will lead to eventual acceptance of the apology either said literally or known through how the conversation ended.
Learning to apologize is a very important skill as it helps build tolerance in society and make you realize that you are not the only one in this world. Improves your emotional intelligence and helps you grow and improve as a human being.
Personally speaking, I have still not quite got my act right on how to apologize but I do know what is the easiest way to do it, read this somewhere. The first thing is to set your ego aside, that is the hardest part of the whole exercise. Rest is downhill, piece of cake and gets easier with every next time.
Here are the most precise and concise words to use. You can translate as per your language of speech.
I am sorry. It was my fault. How can I make it right?
Yes that is right. Simple, straight to the point. A usual follow-up would start a conversation which will lead to eventual acceptance of the apology either said literally or known through how the conversation ended.
Learning to apologize is a very important skill as it helps build tolerance in society and make you realize that you are not the only one in this world. Improves your emotional intelligence and helps you grow and improve as a human being.
Soul's Destination
So thats how it falls out to be, doing quite ok, shouldn't complain. Things are pretty much in place as I would have liked it. However there is a sense of emptiness that prevails. A sense of purpose missing, a sense of belonging hollow. What is it, I ask myself, I think. Everything is so good and yet I feel this way. Strange are the ways. No matter how good we are, how settled so to say, we can never be content. For this soul was made for the heavens and that is where it will find its content, its satisfaction. That is where it originated from and that be its final destination.
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